I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
