everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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