Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
