Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
