I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
