I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
