I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
