I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
