it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
