I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
