So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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