don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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