i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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