I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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