1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
