I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
