My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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