Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
