I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
