i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
