awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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