And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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