I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
