Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
two words: eviction party
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
