Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize