peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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