hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
