I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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