I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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