I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
