sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
