Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
