I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
