My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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