I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
