dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
