nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
