Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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