my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize