Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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