good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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