Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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