ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
