and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
