Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize