Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
