If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Who died my cat blue again?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
