Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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