I could make wine with my vomit
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
