Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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