I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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