So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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