FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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