Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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