The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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