I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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