I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
