the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
