my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't turn off my feet"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
