finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
