trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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