I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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